A question is becoming increasingly common in parenting discussions: Do we still allow our children to think for themselves? Do we still let them learn from their mistakes? This dilemma was brought to the forefront by Loredana Iriciuc, the host of the show Părinți Prezenți (Present Parents), who shared a recent situation from the park where a mother was directing her child on the slide: “Don’t lie on your belly, sit on your bottom, hold onto that bar.” Unfortunately, such scenes are far from rare. The question remains: how do we stop our instinct to control everything, and what alternatives do we have?
“I think we’ve forgotten to put ourselves into the relationship”, explained coach Oana Zapca, highlighting a reality many parents face. In the attempt to be exemplary parents, many of us forget to focus on ourselves as well. This leads to an imbalance between our needs and the child's, creating a situation where the need to control becomes overwhelming.
“A parent who has somehow lost themselves, their center of gravity and attention, is constantly focused on the child, and from there comes this need - because you no longer find yourself. I mean, in the park, on the bench, next to your child playing, you are not there. It’s someone who needs to keep their eyes constantly on the child and tell them what to do”, Oana Zapca continued on Părinți Prezenți, a show by ParintisiPitici.ro.
Instead of being present with our child, we become constant supervisors, unable to relax and enjoy the present moment. This leads to tendencies to control every move of the child, in an endless attempt to protect them.
PHOTO: freepik.com @mladenmitrinovic
The intention of parents is, of course, a good one: protecting the child and ensuring their safety. However, as Oana Zapca points out, there are other ways we can do this without stifling the child’s autonomy.
“If the intention was to teach them to take care of themselves, to be safe... I think we can find other ways to do it”, suggests the expert. Instead of constantly watching over the child and directing them, we can give them the necessary space to explore the world safely and learn from their own experiences.
Another important point raised by Oana Zapca is that, no matter how hard we try, we cannot protect our children from everything that might happen to them in life: “We also know that we can’t protect our children from everything in life, and we need to work on our anxieties. It happens, even though we’ve taught them, even though they know everything, still someone might come to the child, hit them, push them down—there’s nothing you can do about it.”
PHOTO: freepik.com @zurijeta
For many parents, fear and anxiety dictate how they supervise their children. But how can we control these emotions and allow children to develop harmoniously? Oana Zapca’s answer is simple: “You can live in that constant fear or need for control, or you can look at yourself and ask: ‘Okay, but why this anxiety, why this fear? How could I come to the park with my child and know that they are safe, that I’ve equipped them, taught them how to be safe?’”
This introspection can help us better understand the source of our fears and find ways to enjoy time spent with our children without excessively controlling them. It is also important to maintain our own identity and not become entirely consumed by the role of a parent.
“By being aware of these things, how can I also enjoy these moments when I come to the park? What can I focus on instead when, today, I’m being guided - my center of gravity is no longer with me. My center of gravity is: my eyes fixed on the child. My thoughts are no longer my own.
So somehow, the practice I’ve taken on as a parent is not to lose myself, to be present as a person first, and not to lose myself in the relationship with the child, because then I can’t truly do any good for the child. I bring all my projections, all my fears, and place them on the child”, explains Oana Zapca.
PHOTO: freepik.com @fromkazanwithlove
Excessive control not only deprives children of the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes, but it can also have negative effects on parents. Oana Zapca points out that when we impose control over every aspect of a child’s life, “of course the child no longer has space, because their space is taken up by me, and in my place, there’s the child. I’m no longer well, and the child can’t possibly be well either.”
This role reversal between parent and child creates a tense and unhealthy environment for both parties. The child becomes dependent on the parents' instructions, while the parent feels overwhelmed by the constant responsibility of making all the decisions.
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