During the show "Present Parents", hosted by the Editor-in-Chief of ParintisiPitici.ro, Loredana Iriciuc, a complex and often hard-to-define topic was discussed: success in parenting. Our guest was coach Oana Zapca, who brought unique perspectives to the conversation, focusing on the idea of conscious parenting and the importance of self-reflection in the role of a parent.
An essential aspect addressed in the discussion was frustration tolerance. Loredana Iriciuc highlighted the increasing frequency of children who "explode" over seemingly minor situations. "We increasingly see children around us who explode over the smallest things", she emphasized, pointing out the tendency of parents to avoid conflicts or their child's frustrations by immediately offering something to distract them.
Oana Zapca responded on "Present Parents", a show by ParintisiPitici.ro, with a viewpoint that invites introspection: "I like Dr. Shefali Tsabary. She doesn't focus as much on parenting itself but on conscious parenting, meaning that you should look at yourself before looking at your child. Is it the child's frustration that bothers you, or is it your frustration at play?"
In modern society, parents are perhaps increasingly present in their children's lives, largely due to the flexibility of working from home. However, this continuous presence can also lead to excessive involvement in managing their children's emotions.
“Of course, they explode, and we explode too, but no one was there to look into our mouths all day. Now, with working from home, we are much more present. I remember fighting with my brother, and no one saw us. Now, if my older daughter pinches my younger one and I happen to be around the house, of course, I don't like it”, Oana Zapca said.
“I think we are quite present in our children's lives; we get very involved in their lives, and often our frustration drives us to react. Otherwise, their frustration would pass unnoticed”, Oana Zapca explained.
Being present in a child's life is essential. Still, it is equally important to allow them to experience their emotions, even the negative ones.
PHOTO: freepik.com @ryazancevaolga1406
An interesting solution for managing a child's frustrations is what one parent has called "sadness hourglasses" - a time frame during which the child is allowed to express their upset. However, the real challenge comes from the parents themselves:
“Someone was telling me that they have their daughter use hourglasses for 'less upset' or 'more upset.' One is for 5 minutes, and the other for 15 minutes. 'Now I’m upset for 15 minutes; I’m crying.' But can we withstand 15 minutes of our child crying? They go and cry, but can I hold out for 15 minutes?” Oana Zapca rhetorically asked, emphasizing that often our quick reactions to a child's discomfort are driven by our fears and frustrations.
“That’s where I need to work: why don’t I let them? Perhaps a button of mine has been pressed because I feel I need to give them a life without pain, or we are always seeking that shiny wrapping, believing that life is beautiful and that our children will certainly have a beautiful, abundant life”, the expert added.
Life is not without its challenges and moments of pain, and true success in parenting can be considered the child’s ability to find happiness and meaning despite these difficulties. Oana Zapca emphasized the importance of teaching children to accept and manage pain, rather than creating an artificial life devoid of suffering.
“But I believe that life is a constant balance between pain and the absence of pain, and somehow you have to find a way to be happy even in painful situations.
I was thinking about what success in parenting means to me. I mean, what does success in parenting mean for me, especially since I don’t know what the future holds? I once had an example of a girl who threw herself in front of a subway train, and the rumors were that she hadn’t found a job or wasn’t accepted for the job interview she wanted.
Well, there are probably many more things going on there, but what I’m saying is that as a parent, you can focus on raising ambitious children or those who aspire to have a certain career, the dream of getting into MIT or Robotics, or pushing them to achieve certain things…” Oana Zapca added.
The conclusion of the discussion was marked by a profound reflection on what success means as a parent. In a world full of uncertainties and challenges, success is not defined solely by a child's tangible achievements but also by their ability to love life, regardless of circumstances.
“For me, success as a parent would be that no matter what life throws at them - be it war or any situation - the child can love life, meaning they consider their life to be so precious, regardless of what happens on Earth, and honor it for as long as they have it... To live it and to be grateful.
And I believe that, for me, if I can achieve this with my children, it means I have done something right.
That’s all I wish for!” Oana Zapca concluded.
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